Maybe you’ve heard.

eHow announced today via a casually indifferent video blog post that it had heard the “chatter” and the “buzz,” and although they were “unable” to pay writers for the profits garnered from the “UK” site, they had decided to pony up “generously” via early-February payments to writers.

I know.

There’s nothing more annoying than reading a bunch of words in quotation marks, so don’t ever do it.

But how else can one subtly suggest that the words enclosed therein are what Ian Lurie called, “stinky and mushy” just four short days ago?

Wait a sec. Has it only been four days since Ian asked for a public explanation of how eHow is going to fix their mess? And compensation was one of the four steps he outlined…

Does that mean eHow will also own the problem, build transparency, and fix the terms of service as Ian suggested?

It’s not looking that way, from the “aw shucks” attitude evident on the video that dismisses the importance of two months of eHow members’ distress and six months of earnings losses, including during the holidays in one of the worst economic periods that most of us can remember, with glib, stammering banter. Sheesh.

But I’ll cast my doubts aside and give eHow the benefit of the doubt. And to celebrate this momentous occasion precipitated not, as one might imagine, by the sound of stampeding attorneys and outraged marks–uh, peeps–but by a “couple of postings” the GM saw, I present the Unofficial Official eHow Dictionary.

And after you check the dictionary out, if you’re really bored, go to the eHow video blog and count the number of “Uhs,” stammers, and backtracks when they diverge from the script.

I know you wanna believe ’em. I know you do. It’s easier.

But can you seriously watch that video and not picture your seven-year-old’s face when you caught him feeding week-old cat food to his baby sister?

Edit: 2/19/2010 Invitation= Kidnapping as in, “We won’t let you edit your own profiles on our fake UK site, because you are invited to participate in our global [seriously?] community.”

The Official eHow & Demand Media Dictionary
Ass A magic eHow donkey that, when kissed, dispenses treats.
Busted November 5, 2009
Buzz The sound of approaching swarms of attorneys.
Chatter What eHow calls what members do when they are really pissed off.
Conflict of Interest When you don’t know which football game to watch.
Dumb Getting caught. (varies from standard definition of doing the wrong thing in the first place.)
eHow Eee…how? Something said to a judge or jury when stalling for time.
Fair An event the county holds in the summer with a petting zoo and rides.
G Slang. i.e. “G, you don’t mind if we pick your pockets, do you?”
Generous Ellen’s last name.
How All Demand Media needs to know about doing something shady.
Ignorant Verb. When eHow ignores concerns, as in, “We are ignorant them peeps.”
Justice Defined by Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn as, “Justice is conscience, not a personal conscience but the conscience of the whole of humanity…” (Not funny–just true.)
K Question: “We didn’t mean to get caught stealing from you, K?”
LOL What Demand Media management does when they screw the peeps.
Moderators A secret society of censors. Or sensors.
Noticed Ignored out loud.
O Popular eHow expression as in, “O, We didn’t think you would notice.”
Peeps Victims
Question Something that goes away if you pretend not to notice it. NOT.
Ripoff Come on. You know you want it. BOHICA.
S That very ssspecial sssound Demand Media makes in the grassss.
Server A large, sophisticated piece of electronic equipment that eHow does not know the location of. US? UK? Hard to tell without our glasses on. So we’ll just delete your questions about that one and move on, K?
Spin Another four-letter ‘S’ word for “I DON’T THINK SO.”
True Inconvenient
UK A country located in the state of Washington.
US UK (remember, this is an eHow dictionary, peeps.)
Victim *see ‘Peep’
WTF Used to express surprise, as in, “WTF! They expect to be PAID for their work?”
X The mark used for deleting inconvenient Terms of Service clauses.
Y What eHow members who know what really happened are still asking.
Zzz What the people who engineered the eHow scam should not be able to do at night.

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